Growing Pains - Written November 26th 2007

Treading out the rough terrain has hit an all time 'low' so to speak. I think today has been the most unexpected of days I have ever survived. Like the Palm tree, some news swayed the heck out of me but the gale wind of the conversation has passed and by God's will and purpose I remain. I have lost some branches, and of those that remain some have lost leaves but I'm still here.

I remain standing. I remain believing. I remain hopeful. I know that God is in control. I know that He has not left me nor forsaken me, no matter what I've inadvertently done or not done. I know that I am yet the head and not the tail. I am above only and not beneath. I know that I am yet blessed going in and coming out. I know that I am blessed in the city and in the country - no matter what it looks like.

I know that only God knows the way that I take. He alone knows my heart and its troubles. He alone knows my motives and my desires. He alone knows the effort I make every day to walk trust Him for my life.

The accusations must come. The misunderstandings must come. They hurt like the dickens but they will make me stronger. It is hard to know that someone you honor and respect does not understand the hard path of your life. But we don't get to choose our paths if we are walking in obedience to God's will for our lives. I would not have chosen this path had I known that's for sure! In this I know I am not alone, many of us would have screamed "Hold up God! I take that back! I don't want this journey after all!"

I refuse to make judgement as others have. I must however decipher for my own sanity that which is said from a place of Truth in Love from that which is said from a place of hurt and devastation. I understand, I really do, when we are hurt we make poor choices until we process why we're hurt - through Truth. Unfortunately, that is the hardest thing for many of us to do because we have to face some hard things about ourselves, our choices, and our behaviors.

As I end this day not knowing what faces me tomorrow, I know this journey has shifted and the terrain remains rough. As all things from here on for me. There has been a shifting, a maturing to the capability of people to be so cold, cutthroat and wrong about me at the same time.

I realize this is not the first time someone will miscalculate me. I understand now that as painful a life that it can be, it is yet a gift. So great a gift that it is worth the uncertainty that comes with being open and vulnerable over and over risking all and not giving weight to the possibiity of being 'slapt upside the head' by misunderstanding or straight deception.

I must know so deeply who I am. I must know my own value and that it is God birthed. Will that get tested? Duh! But I always come back to my God centered place and find that His Peace and His Presence will never leave me, never judge me, never misunderstand me and I realize everything will be ok.

Everything will be ok because I am submitted whole heartedly to God's Word, Will and Way. I will receive all teaching, instruction and correction that comes tested and pure through His Love and Truth be it directly to me, through my undershepherd/Pastor, or another chosen vessel.

Tracy