I feel so blessed. I was just browsing some topics of another blog and one of the topics caught my eye. I haven't even read it yet but felt a need to jot my thoughts down before they left me. There is a difference unbeknownst to many between being insecure and having insecurities. All of us have insecurities. Not all of us are insecure. I started this blog with feeling blessed. I said this because I know I am secure in myself. I enjoy my own company. I honor and humbly cherish my God-given strengths and weaknesses. I love the 'me' I was created to be. This leads me to the unavoidable journey we all have to travel and that is one of insecurities. Our insecurities are best seen as a tool of discovery that if allowed will lead us to a more mature place.

Unfortunately, so many have been taught to hide their insecurities instead of revealing them. To reveal them and share them in a safe environment is to take the 'wind out of their sails'. They can no longer be a force holding us back from discovering the beauty of who we are created to be. I learned this several years ago and it was so freeing. I discovered revealing an insecurity empowered me! Once that ball got rolling, sharing my inner self and my life's struggles became a wonderful experience. Sharing who you are is one of the most powerful experiences. I believe this is exactly why God brings specific and unique trials to each one of us. For the purpose of sharing and helping others. This is the very reason we will have to deal with insecurities until we pass from this earth.

As you let go of insecurities and fears more and more trusting God with your life, you will find that He shows you a more excellent Way to overcome. This Way is found in His Word. Each time you "do" the Word from a place of faith (with a clean heart), you gain inner strength. The type of inner strength which brings serenity no man can disturb. This is the place of being secure that I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. A security that can stand calm in the face of craziness. Many mistake this for passiveness or weakness. At first, for me I wanted to defend myself as I was seen this way. I wanted to say, "I am not weak nor am I passive. I am merely not threatened by you." This was a grueling season for me to say the least but I made it.

After some time I began to feel sorrow for others who felt they had to manipulate, demean, or be controlling. The more solid you are in your sense of security, the more compassion you develop. The Love of God has grown to such a dimension within that the misperception and abusive manner is of no consequence to who you are. The 'who you are' is rooted in Christ not man; in agape Love which transcends the natural realm. You are no longer tossed to and fro as a tumbleweed down a long stretch of highway on a hot summer day. You are now the more like a grand palm tree that sways with the fiercest winds while retaining its original position, firmly rooted in the ground.

I feel so blessed. I know who I am. I am secure. I am so secure that I am unafraid to deal with my insecurities. I am confident and full of courage that what life holds for me I can handle. Will all be easy? No. Will there be challenges up ahead? Of course. I just know that I have something very precious and powerful in knowing and loving me.

2008 – The year of new beginnings and what a new beginning it has been. In a conversation with a friend recently she mentioned how God didn't say
what KIND of new beginning it would be! I had to think for a moment but soon realized she had a valid point.

It would be just like God to start out the year of new beginnings with some gut wrenching turmoil – that started late last year. Almost as if a testing of our commitment and faith in Him, to see if we would still believe, still stand on His Word.

Just a few days ago though I sensed a shift was about to take place. I remember feeling the heavy spirit of sadness or impending doom that had mysteriously been weighting me down the past couple of weeks was gone. It was like feeling a distinct lightness in my spirit and whole being.

Today God confirmed it through the Word preached at church. Our Pastor spoke of a shift taking place and that God is getting us ready for our next assignment, move and mandate. He also said God is about to make a kingdom deposit but only for those who had order in their lives.

Holding on these past several weeks of 2008 has been a rough journey, but I am so grateful for the grace and purpose to hold on. Through this I have been reminded how the Word really is Strength and Power. Had I not been a proven student of the Word, it wouldn't have been in me to draw upon for resilience.

Even as I have been writing this, the enemy has not been lying dormant but sticking his little imps of confusion all about to try and take me off course. This is the natural course of events after God moves. I thank God for making plain the crooked path the imps were attempting to draw me down. His Word says, He shall make every crooked path straight (Isaiah 40:4, Luke 3:5).

He also tells us to watch AND pray. I am reminded through my journey this year so far how important this is to our well being and growth. (For reference see - 1 Peter 5:8, Luke 21:34-36, Mark 13:33).

I believe this year is going to be very interesting and I can honestly say I am really looking forward to what's ahead.

 

Talitha Cumi

Finally!

Finally, finally finally! I am merging into adulthood in an area of my life where I have been struggling as a grown up.

For as long as I remember, I have had this ridiculous reaction when I am startled. Not only that but I am startled very easily. I had no control over when it would happen. I was quite embarrassing. People would get such a kick out of seeing me jump half out of my seat in church at loud noises. It was funny I suppose. But it gets old after a while. I knew it had to do with my nervous system. I had prayed year in and year out. I had been told that anxiety was given to me as a thorn so to speak to try and take me out to thwart purpose.

That reminder helped me when I would get frustrated about my anxiety issues and exaggerated startling. The other thing that plagued me for years was how my ability to recall memories was nil. There was a shut down lock down threshold between my short and long term memory. I hated it. It just wasn't fair. I think that is what makes me so childlike in experiencing things though. I didn't realize that for a long time.

Because I can't remember things, I experience many things with the untainted eyes of a child allowing the freedom to fully appreciate life so much more. One of the silver linings to my cloud if you will. I also cannot remember the pains of my hurts which run very deep. A huge silver lining! Thank you Father! Still I feel the need for closure on my past. Why? Because I was allowed to shut down for a season. With that, I have had to live with much anxiety and panic attacks.

This all came to a head when a trigger caused a panic attack on December 3rd of last year. The trigger came through a phone call. I didn't realize it yet. I hung up the phone only to get another call from my Dr's nurse. I had called him earlier to give him an update on my increasing anxiety of late. In the midst of our conversation, while driving I realized I was in the midst of the beginning of a panic attack. She asked me where I was and asked could I drive straight to the office.

I made it there. He gave me some medicine for the panic attack, which I got filled immediately, took 1 in the car and made it home.

The next few weeks were a blur. I still felt like I was just getting over a virus and not getting my energy back but instead of getting better I got worse. I literally was exhausted every day. I went from a size 12 to a size 8. I felt numb, disconnected, and fuzzy. I continued to pray the best I could. I knew stressing about it was one thing I was not going to do. I committed whatever was going on to God. He brought to it; He would see me through it. I was more worried about what people were thinking. Wrong.

By the third week of December I knew something was very wrong. I had never felt this exhausted for this long. It was beginning to concern me. I was getting impatient about getting back to living. This was not me. I wanted to be better. NOW. I began surfing the net prayerfully by symptoms I was experiencing.

And then I found it. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I talked with my Dr. about my discovery and he asked if I could pinpoint the original trauma. At the time of our conversation I couldn't. So, I prayed and asked God to reveal it to me. It would be nothing but a miracle if I remembered considering my shut down memory. The next morning, just as gentlemanly and direct as He always is, the Holy Spirit, told me in exactness what the original trauma was. I thought, 'Wow, wow that makes perfect sense.' It was after a very difficult event in my life when I was 13. How do I know? Because my sister told me after that specific event, I completely shut down. She said she will never forget it.

Of course, I have no recollection at all of it. Just her account of it. So, now, prayerfully I am believing God for the complete closure and recovery of my memory and free access to it. However He sees fit to make that happen is fine. For now I believe I am to walk through some recovery steps with a PTSD specialist. Perhaps then I will be anxiety and panic attack free. Perhaps they will always be a thorn, a witness to His sufficient grace. At least they will no longer debilitate my life any longer. At least I know the why and the what to do when they come. With God's help, understanding and strength I am able now to overcome.

So 2008 is truly a year of new beginnings for me and not just a cliché.

Sincerely, Talitha Cumi aka Tracy

© 2007

Growing Pains - Written November 26th 2007

Treading out the rough terrain has hit an all time 'low' so to speak. I think today has been the most unexpected of days I have ever survived. Like the Palm tree, some news swayed the heck out of me but the gale wind of the conversation has passed and by God's will and purpose I remain. I have lost some branches, and of those that remain some have lost leaves but I'm still here.

I remain standing. I remain believing. I remain hopeful. I know that God is in control. I know that He has not left me nor forsaken me, no matter what I've inadvertently done or not done. I know that I am yet the head and not the tail. I am above only and not beneath. I know that I am yet blessed going in and coming out. I know that I am blessed in the city and in the country - no matter what it looks like.

I know that only God knows the way that I take. He alone knows my heart and its troubles. He alone knows my motives and my desires. He alone knows the effort I make every day to walk trust Him for my life.

The accusations must come. The misunderstandings must come. They hurt like the dickens but they will make me stronger. It is hard to know that someone you honor and respect does not understand the hard path of your life. But we don't get to choose our paths if we are walking in obedience to God's will for our lives. I would not have chosen this path had I known that's for sure! In this I know I am not alone, many of us would have screamed "Hold up God! I take that back! I don't want this journey after all!"

I refuse to make judgement as others have. I must however decipher for my own sanity that which is said from a place of Truth in Love from that which is said from a place of hurt and devastation. I understand, I really do, when we are hurt we make poor choices until we process why we're hurt - through Truth. Unfortunately, that is the hardest thing for many of us to do because we have to face some hard things about ourselves, our choices, and our behaviors.

As I end this day not knowing what faces me tomorrow, I know this journey has shifted and the terrain remains rough. As all things from here on for me. There has been a shifting, a maturing to the capability of people to be so cold, cutthroat and wrong about me at the same time.

I realize this is not the first time someone will miscalculate me. I understand now that as painful a life that it can be, it is yet a gift. So great a gift that it is worth the uncertainty that comes with being open and vulnerable over and over risking all and not giving weight to the possibiity of being 'slapt upside the head' by misunderstanding or straight deception.

I must know so deeply who I am. I must know my own value and that it is God birthed. Will that get tested? Duh! But I always come back to my God centered place and find that His Peace and His Presence will never leave me, never judge me, never misunderstand me and I realize everything will be ok.

Everything will be ok because I am submitted whole heartedly to God's Word, Will and Way. I will receive all teaching, instruction and correction that comes tested and pure through His Love and Truth be it directly to me, through my undershepherd/Pastor, or another chosen vessel.

Tracy

Treading the Rough Terrain - Written November 21st, 2007

This time of year always seems to bring the toughest trials. I came to this conclusion just the other day when God spoke to me "tread through the rough terrain." The past couple of weeks have been a spiritual battle for me as well as a physical one. My head has been unclear, and my energy level low. Yet every day, I get up with the same dogged determination to be a valuable servant for Christ. ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Have I met the standards I set for myself every day? Have I completed the measure of holiness I set for myself every day? Was I perfect steward over my life in every role I carry? NO!

Yet, every 'lucid' moment I did give praise and honor to God through my lips and my life. I never once dishonored Him or His name as His servant or child according to His Word.

Every day I felt well enough I would exercise and walk my dog and pray. I would read and meditate on the Word the best that I could. It surely has been a time I am glad that the Word is hidden in my heart that I might draw from it, for strength and declaration!

Even so, I was feeling a little weary, I had missed some important events, suffered some physical attacks, so justifiably, I was weary. It was then God encouraged me with "tread through the rough terrain." That's all He said but somehow I knew that He was telling me it was going to be okay once I was done treading through this rough spot.

I likened it to hiking, when you come to a real hard part of the hike. It's not long, but it's quite difficult. You take a deep some breaths, drink some water and trod it out because you know once you get through the rough terrain of the hike, you'll be able to go back to enjoying the journey of the hike.

So for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. Not pressing myself to do too much (I'm a list maker! Enough said...), and being at peace with the pace God has me at right now. A pace that will help tread the rough terrain successfully... and for that I love and adore Him, my Father, my Savior, my Lord.

Winter time - I love it. I hate it...

I go through this rolling of recovering over and over of the flu until my immune system has built up enough to combat it AND maintain healthy levels for me to live instead of survive! It is a difficult time for me since I am one who loves and appreciates life so much.

I am still somewhat saddened that sometimes others don't understand the fight I have with an overworked immune system. In reality, most don't have the proper information, so they are making uninformed decisions in their estimation of my situation and how I should be handling it. To be honest, they don't know the half of it, but it's all good - Romans 8:28.

Even though I don't live in an area where there is snow, I love the snow. Mind you I said snow, not the icy conditions that come with it! Oh and of course, I have to include that I love the snow as long as there is a working fireplace and heating system in place (yes both) !

Winter time becomes a time for me where I find God encourages me so much through His Word, His Presence and His Love because I end up spending a lot of time at home. It's a time I turn inward and become quiet in such a deep way and find God there waiting to give me gifts of revelation of His Word and His Presence. You know how you get to the bottom of the bowl of some yummy dessert and find the best bites are there waiting for you to relish? It's kind of like that. Sorry, best analogy I had!

By time I am feeling better, I have such a grateful, appreciative and thankful mindset that it seems worth it. I see so many who have no understanding or appreciation for the gift of life that God gives them. They totally take physical health (as well as His Presence and Goodness) in their life for granted. It has given me such a burden to share every opportunity God gives to share the honor it is to have health and not only that but to have every gift and ability He gives us, no matter how small or insignificant WE think it is.

The bad part of winter? Because my immune system is fighting double and triple overtime to get well and back to healthy levels, my energy on a level from 1-10 goes from nonexistent to a 4 or 5. If it goes any higher? I know it is straight God for me to do that thing (for I daily am praying and decreeing, even if it is from my bed in an exhausted whisper!). I miss being in God's corporate presence as I miss church more during this time.

I love God, His Word so very much. To know that within myself is one of the most important deliverances I received during a winter time. It has been the winter times that I have ended up developing and maturing the deep things that He had shared with me from the rest of the year in church because it was just me and God so many days.

Still, because I don't travel as much during the winter I look forward to being at home ministry more and it's a bit frustrating not being able to. I can't wait until we are recording services on DVD; that will be a great thing.

Anyway, with a short break from school I am doing a lot of writing, my love for sure. I hope to complete some projects but it will be God's Will not mine as my energy and foggy head have been a struggle to push through, but where there is a challenge, I seem to keep getting up and putting my best foot in Christ forward!

Love and encouragement to all who read this!

Talitha Cumi!

Failure Can Be A Good Thing!

I am a firm believer that failure can be a good thing, for it is only THRU failing that we reach our successes! The person who is afraid to fail is the person who will have few achievements!Who cares if you're wrong? Use it to empower yourself instead of defeat yourself! "As they say, if you find yourself falling, just fall forward!" On the path to learning how to do things right you're going to run into the 'wrong way' many times! It's the same as suffering failures on your way to becoming a successful and prosperous person!Live life people! Research who you know God made you to be! You are fearfully and wonderfully made and very precious to God! Learn to love and appreciate yourself – the good and the "bad". I say "bad" for lack of another term for God makes no bad thing! (Check my blog soon for "No bad thing!") Well, I guess you can tell, I love speaking LIFE into people! Lol! It truly is my passion ya'll! I find myself doing it no matter how I feel … and it's not always convenient! But oh well! "My meat is to the will of Him who sent me, and to finish His work." (John 4:34)