Finally!

Finally, finally finally! I am merging into adulthood in an area of my life where I have been struggling as a grown up.

For as long as I remember, I have had this ridiculous reaction when I am startled. Not only that but I am startled very easily. I had no control over when it would happen. I was quite embarrassing. People would get such a kick out of seeing me jump half out of my seat in church at loud noises. It was funny I suppose. But it gets old after a while. I knew it had to do with my nervous system. I had prayed year in and year out. I had been told that anxiety was given to me as a thorn so to speak to try and take me out to thwart purpose.

That reminder helped me when I would get frustrated about my anxiety issues and exaggerated startling. The other thing that plagued me for years was how my ability to recall memories was nil. There was a shut down lock down threshold between my short and long term memory. I hated it. It just wasn't fair. I think that is what makes me so childlike in experiencing things though. I didn't realize that for a long time.

Because I can't remember things, I experience many things with the untainted eyes of a child allowing the freedom to fully appreciate life so much more. One of the silver linings to my cloud if you will. I also cannot remember the pains of my hurts which run very deep. A huge silver lining! Thank you Father! Still I feel the need for closure on my past. Why? Because I was allowed to shut down for a season. With that, I have had to live with much anxiety and panic attacks.

This all came to a head when a trigger caused a panic attack on December 3rd of last year. The trigger came through a phone call. I didn't realize it yet. I hung up the phone only to get another call from my Dr's nurse. I had called him earlier to give him an update on my increasing anxiety of late. In the midst of our conversation, while driving I realized I was in the midst of the beginning of a panic attack. She asked me where I was and asked could I drive straight to the office.

I made it there. He gave me some medicine for the panic attack, which I got filled immediately, took 1 in the car and made it home.

The next few weeks were a blur. I still felt like I was just getting over a virus and not getting my energy back but instead of getting better I got worse. I literally was exhausted every day. I went from a size 12 to a size 8. I felt numb, disconnected, and fuzzy. I continued to pray the best I could. I knew stressing about it was one thing I was not going to do. I committed whatever was going on to God. He brought to it; He would see me through it. I was more worried about what people were thinking. Wrong.

By the third week of December I knew something was very wrong. I had never felt this exhausted for this long. It was beginning to concern me. I was getting impatient about getting back to living. This was not me. I wanted to be better. NOW. I began surfing the net prayerfully by symptoms I was experiencing.

And then I found it. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I talked with my Dr. about my discovery and he asked if I could pinpoint the original trauma. At the time of our conversation I couldn't. So, I prayed and asked God to reveal it to me. It would be nothing but a miracle if I remembered considering my shut down memory. The next morning, just as gentlemanly and direct as He always is, the Holy Spirit, told me in exactness what the original trauma was. I thought, 'Wow, wow that makes perfect sense.' It was after a very difficult event in my life when I was 13. How do I know? Because my sister told me after that specific event, I completely shut down. She said she will never forget it.

Of course, I have no recollection at all of it. Just her account of it. So, now, prayerfully I am believing God for the complete closure and recovery of my memory and free access to it. However He sees fit to make that happen is fine. For now I believe I am to walk through some recovery steps with a PTSD specialist. Perhaps then I will be anxiety and panic attack free. Perhaps they will always be a thorn, a witness to His sufficient grace. At least they will no longer debilitate my life any longer. At least I know the why and the what to do when they come. With God's help, understanding and strength I am able now to overcome.

So 2008 is truly a year of new beginnings for me and not just a cliché.

Sincerely, Talitha Cumi aka Tracy

© 2007